I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
