drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
