Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
