I think I died a long time ago.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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