either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
