so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
