Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
i think im in europe. pls send help
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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