Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
