Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
