I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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