Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
