The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
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