so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
