i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
