I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
i've created a new STD.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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