Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
