Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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