apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
