i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
