The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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