I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
