I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
