So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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