Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
