hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
