Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
