Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
