3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Randomize
