im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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