brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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