i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
