I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
