I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
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