Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
