I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Im part way to drunk.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
