all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
