I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
