If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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