He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
