a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
