remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
