so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
