$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
