i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
