Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
