Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
