Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
