Even the bartender felt bad for me
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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