I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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