Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
