well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
