The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
